Wake Up [Shaoling, Yoruichi]

In the immediacy of her fight with Erika, when she had been caught up in the heat of it, focused on her pride being challenged, Shaoling had been perfectly fine with sacrificing her own well-being simply to prove her mettle. Now, however, recovering from the injuries and having to train back into shape with still-healing wounds, she was mostly just irritated with herself for being weak enough that it had come to this.

Carefully moving into a handstand, she held back a wince as she felt her weight move onto the arm that was still not entirely recovered from having been split neatly in two. But she had no intention of stopping, and as she began her pushups, she simply thought back to the fight itself. She certainly hadn't been mobile enough, clearly on account of being too caught up in her own pride. Unsurprising. The two of them had been fairly evenly matched in most aspects, and the fact that Erika was clearly a bit more resilient had proven a tremendous factor. She would need to consider that for next time.

Next time? The faintest, briefest of laughs crossed Shaoling's lips at her own eagerness. She supposed she would enjoy another go with Erika. But not yet. She had far more to do than think about that.

Oh, Shaoling certainly did feel Yoruichi's approach, and the faint smile she'd had for the briefest of moments quickly departed once more, her mouth returning to the typical thin line cutting its way across her features.

"Living for myself has made life enjoyable at times."

She continued with her efforts, not willing to stop her training simply on account of this woman. Shaoling wasn't so embittered that she would let Yoruichi's presence get to her. If anything, she was well past the point of even particularly caring about it. The only thing she felt about that situation was disappointment in herself for being fooled twice. The pain in her arm remained, but she still paid it no mind, speaking in her usual terse, sharp tone as if Yoruichi were any other person.

"No. A vacation would be a waste of my time. Recovery entails a return to full form, and growing lax would give a poor impression to my student."

"Not in strength, no. In balance, however, and in retraining a severely crippled limb, this is perfectly good exercise."

It wasn't as if she thought this sort of thing would do her any good as far as her actual strength. If she wished to train that, she would be doing it far from Karakura, lest she draw the ire of Urahara or the local authorities. Not that she especially cared what either of those entities thought, per se, but needless conflict sounded more bothersome than anything else.

"That's true. I do go out of my way to be the teacher I never had."

But even such a biting comment wasn't spoken with any particular ire. Shaoling didn't have it in her to hold the same grudge twice over, after all, so she simply continued, her eyes moving to the current visitor without even a hint of hostility.

"Say to you? I guess I do. Do you think I'm angry? Upset? I'm not. I don't hold any particular ill will toward you, at least not compared to plenty of others."

Finishing her final pushup, she effortlessly returned to her feet, stretching and bringing her gaze once more to Yoruichi. It was almost strange to speak with her so casually, but she supposed that meant she hadn't simply been fooling herself about moving on. Her voice remained calm, free of any hate or malice. Her words were certainly cutting, but that was simply the sort of person Shaoling was. Direct, unflinching. Really, she typically wouldn't have even spoken this much on a personal topic, but this was one that the two of them already knew. Being guarded about it would have only been needlessly obtuse.

"You and I are fundamentally different people. I should have seen that much sooner, but my household didn't give me much chance to learn about more personal matters. I let a childish fancy cloud my judgement for far too long, and built a fantasy around an idea of you that never really existed. I could blame you for abandoning me, certainly. But I should blame myself for expecting that you'd stay."

"You're right, he's the one employer that would ensure you and I would see each other again. But that isn't why I'm here. I came because I knew he would hire me, and would put me to use in a way that would suit me and my talents. I knew it would be a perfectly good way to let Yuujin see more of the world than just Soul Society."

Shaoling crossed her arms now, not out of any outright irritation, but simply because the conversation seemed to be going nowhere. She hated the idea of wasting time. Honestly, it just seemed like Yoruichi wanted this to bother her more than it did. In a way, Shaoling knew that most people in her position probably would still be angry. But that wasn't the sort of person she was.

"What would I be angry about? If you're so certain that I should be, then go on. Tell me why. If it's for being the sort of mentor that made me who I am, I think I should be angry at my family before you. If it's for leaving, any sensible person would have seen that coming, and I was far from sensible. Being angry at you has never done anything but hold me back."

That was all there was to it, really. It was a waste of her time to be angry.

"I walked in your shadow for centuries. It's only natural that I would have picked up a few things, even after I've made my own way."

"I've already spent more than enough of my life hating you, and I won't let my future be defined by it. It is pragmatic, but not in some inhuman way that you seem to think it is. Holding onto a grudge like that will only anchor me in the past."

That was the reality of the situation. Shaoling simply didn't wish to be angry. She certainly had been once upon a time. She would probably never forget the agony of that betrayal, but she didn't need to carry it with her in everything she did, either.

"I'm perfectly aware of what's happened, yes. Do you think I look back fondly on those years I spent pining after you? Coming up with excuses to justify everything that's happened? Hardly. That's why I don't look back. I can't change it. I can only learn from it."

Shaoling's eyes met Yoruichi's resolutely, a force behind her gaze that made clear just how genuinely she meant what she had said. There was no fixing the past. No changing the life she'd lived, no going back in time and undoing everything that had happened. And hoping otherwise was simply a waste of effort.

"If you did anything to ruin my life again, I would kill you without hesitating. But carrying a grudge? That's just dead weight."